"There's a word for this, it's called hypocrisy."
- Dr Chee Soon Juan
______________________________
Invariably in conversation at some point, discussion will see you stumble upon some topics that made you or your interlocutor uncomfortable that one of you don't want to discuss, but the other wants to talk about. And that's perfectly normal.
But being too self-righteous and delusional, I had never really understood that mentality because I thought that I believed that everything is better if everyone talked about everything instead of avoiding anything, not realising that I oftentimes practice and exhibit avoidant tendencies as well.
Perhaps I should first discuss the mentality that I was initially convinced that I wholeheartedly stood by.
I used to believe that everything should always be on the table for discussion, because that which remains undiscussed will remain unresolved until a conclusion is reached, but one is unlikely to reach conclusions alone without thinking or talking about difficult topics, and since it is conclusion that we seek and a sense of reconciliation, I had gathered that the only logical decision would then be to talk about things in order to reach resolution.
However, in applying this worldview onto other people, I have failed to account for my experiences to the contrary.
I am not a history student. Whilst I recognise the value of learning from the mistakes (and triumphs) of the past, I had never liked history because history is filled with atrocities which I can't bear to learn about. I struggle to understand how people can read about the wars and not feel anything at all, treating all events past as a statistic instead of tragedy. I don't know how to feel about any of this and just feel a sense of loss at these distant events that I have lost nothing to. I don't know why I feel this way but I have always felt this way. The same experience applies to documentaries on historical events. Thus, I have been coping by not dealing with any of those discussions and just avoiding reading about the turbulent past.
In addition, for a period of time in the past, I had subscribed to numerous news agencies and not only have I come to realise that they tend to be fearmongers, but also that the world feels like it is slowly falling apart. Our oceans are filling with microplastics and rubber, an entire continent had burnt to a crisp and somehow with all the modern mechanisation at our disposal, children are still starving and people losing their lives and livelihoods to preventable illnesses. Every day and every night and every hour in between, it seemed as if there was something terrible going on in the world that I should be aware about as I continued to be notified by dozens of emails and push notifications.
I had never liked following the news or politics. I still don't like following the news or politics. It is not an endeavour that I enjoy, as much as I just feel obligated to engage in. I feel like I have a duty as a global citizen to stay informed about whatever is going on in the world at all times, even though I might be far removed from the consequences of those events. In fact, I feel like people expect me to be informed on the happenings around the world. There is some sort of shame, it seems, in not being informed, typically propogated by other self-righteous individuals who believe the same.
In the heat of the moment and in the flurry of discussion, the veneer of neutrality starts to crack, unveiling our motivations, prejudice, biases and inclinations. To each their own, but in the face of radically opposing opinions and substantiation or lack thereof, the spur of the moment can make the atmosphere tense as we sometimes say things in less than the most tactful way. Notwithstanding the people who are characteristically already imposing, self-righteous and strongly opinionated, of whom the situation amplifies such behaviour, everyone succumbs to some form of debate that invariably leads to discomfort. I sure did.
Chasing the news and keeping on top of all the developments, in addition to dancing around conversational land mines while trying to not say anything offensive or "POFMAble" starts to get tiring, overwhelming, meaningless, unnecessary and as arbitrary as the constant C. So it is.
__________
"If I didn't care, would I feel this way?
- The Ink Spots
__________
This was when I had started to truly internalise the logic of the avoidant tendency and see that it had manifested in my behavior prior, unbeknownst to me, through my withholding of attention toward history or politics and current affairs.
__________
"There's a million things I haven't done, but just you wait."
- Lin-Manuel Miranda in 'Hamilton: An American Musical'
__________
Whilst avoidance suffices in the moments of emotional distress to stop the spiral of despair before it begins, it remains a stopgap; Avoidance is but an interim solution.
It is true that for most of the world's problems that do not directly concern us, or topics that make us unnecessarily distressed and uncomfortable, avoidance could be the go-to end-all to anxiety and worry, since not caring about something gives it no power over your emotions and thoughts any longer.
However, in my opinion, even as a moderate amount of avoidance remains healthy and beneficial, excessive avoidance can on the contrary prove detrimental if it concerns issues directly relevant to the self.
One of these ruinous tendencies is procrastination. Procrastination feels like a dirty word, perhaps because of its overuse and it stemming from the reluctance to accept the state of work and the required time and effort to complete them. The aforementioned logic in the preceding section thus now works in reverse, where one's tendency to not care about something that might be important, backfires spectacularly.
Another relevant example might be unresolved tensions in a relationship, between friends, partners or teammates. It is in situations such as these where we need to start to work on accepting the state of the reality through introspection and active discussion.
- Dr Chee Soon Juan
______________________________
Invariably in conversation at some point, discussion will see you stumble upon some topics that made you or your interlocutor uncomfortable that one of you don't want to discuss, but the other wants to talk about. And that's perfectly normal.
But being too self-righteous and delusional, I had never really understood that mentality because I thought that I believed that everything is better if everyone talked about everything instead of avoiding anything, not realising that I oftentimes practice and exhibit avoidant tendencies as well.
Perhaps I should first discuss the mentality that I was initially convinced that I wholeheartedly stood by.
I used to believe that everything should always be on the table for discussion, because that which remains undiscussed will remain unresolved until a conclusion is reached, but one is unlikely to reach conclusions alone without thinking or talking about difficult topics, and since it is conclusion that we seek and a sense of reconciliation, I had gathered that the only logical decision would then be to talk about things in order to reach resolution.
However, in applying this worldview onto other people, I have failed to account for my experiences to the contrary.
I am not a history student. Whilst I recognise the value of learning from the mistakes (and triumphs) of the past, I had never liked history because history is filled with atrocities which I can't bear to learn about. I struggle to understand how people can read about the wars and not feel anything at all, treating all events past as a statistic instead of tragedy. I don't know how to feel about any of this and just feel a sense of loss at these distant events that I have lost nothing to. I don't know why I feel this way but I have always felt this way. The same experience applies to documentaries on historical events. Thus, I have been coping by not dealing with any of those discussions and just avoiding reading about the turbulent past.
In addition, for a period of time in the past, I had subscribed to numerous news agencies and not only have I come to realise that they tend to be fearmongers, but also that the world feels like it is slowly falling apart. Our oceans are filling with microplastics and rubber, an entire continent had burnt to a crisp and somehow with all the modern mechanisation at our disposal, children are still starving and people losing their lives and livelihoods to preventable illnesses. Every day and every night and every hour in between, it seemed as if there was something terrible going on in the world that I should be aware about as I continued to be notified by dozens of emails and push notifications.
I had never liked following the news or politics. I still don't like following the news or politics. It is not an endeavour that I enjoy, as much as I just feel obligated to engage in. I feel like I have a duty as a global citizen to stay informed about whatever is going on in the world at all times, even though I might be far removed from the consequences of those events. In fact, I feel like people expect me to be informed on the happenings around the world. There is some sort of shame, it seems, in not being informed, typically propogated by other self-righteous individuals who believe the same.
In the heat of the moment and in the flurry of discussion, the veneer of neutrality starts to crack, unveiling our motivations, prejudice, biases and inclinations. To each their own, but in the face of radically opposing opinions and substantiation or lack thereof, the spur of the moment can make the atmosphere tense as we sometimes say things in less than the most tactful way. Notwithstanding the people who are characteristically already imposing, self-righteous and strongly opinionated, of whom the situation amplifies such behaviour, everyone succumbs to some form of debate that invariably leads to discomfort. I sure did.
Chasing the news and keeping on top of all the developments, in addition to dancing around conversational land mines while trying to not say anything offensive or "POFMAble" starts to get tiring, overwhelming, meaningless, unnecessary and as arbitrary as the constant C. So it is.
__________
"If I didn't care, would I feel this way?
- The Ink Spots
__________
This was when I had started to truly internalise the logic of the avoidant tendency and see that it had manifested in my behavior prior, unbeknownst to me, through my withholding of attention toward history or politics and current affairs.
I tend to overthink and talk to people with the unconscious intention of reaching conclusions, favouring logical and systematic conclusion to regard for feelings and emotions. This has on many occasions proved deleterious to my personal relationships.
But what this also means is that I have been giving too much weight to some things especially beyond my control, and just as a fully filled to-do list scribbled hastily on a Post-it note detailing your prevailing commitments for the weekend against impending deadlines clouds your judgement on which task to prioritise, so this mentality inundates me with unnecessary stress, worry, anxiety and angst which manifests in my less than cordial interactions with people around me, trapping me in a vicious cycle of misery and toxicity.
In addition, recently I had learnt that avoiding a problem to keep one's emotions in check is an actual coping mechanism that I had myself used on many occasions without recognising, and should hence recognise in other people and make concessions accordingly.
But what this also means is that I have been giving too much weight to some things especially beyond my control, and just as a fully filled to-do list scribbled hastily on a Post-it note detailing your prevailing commitments for the weekend against impending deadlines clouds your judgement on which task to prioritise, so this mentality inundates me with unnecessary stress, worry, anxiety and angst which manifests in my less than cordial interactions with people around me, trapping me in a vicious cycle of misery and toxicity.
In addition, recently I had learnt that avoiding a problem to keep one's emotions in check is an actual coping mechanism that I had myself used on many occasions without recognising, and should hence recognise in other people and make concessions accordingly.
__________
"There's a million things I haven't done, but just you wait."
- Lin-Manuel Miranda in 'Hamilton: An American Musical'
__________
Whilst avoidance suffices in the moments of emotional distress to stop the spiral of despair before it begins, it remains a stopgap; Avoidance is but an interim solution.
It is true that for most of the world's problems that do not directly concern us, or topics that make us unnecessarily distressed and uncomfortable, avoidance could be the go-to end-all to anxiety and worry, since not caring about something gives it no power over your emotions and thoughts any longer.
However, in my opinion, even as a moderate amount of avoidance remains healthy and beneficial, excessive avoidance can on the contrary prove detrimental if it concerns issues directly relevant to the self.
One of these ruinous tendencies is procrastination. Procrastination feels like a dirty word, perhaps because of its overuse and it stemming from the reluctance to accept the state of work and the required time and effort to complete them. The aforementioned logic in the preceding section thus now works in reverse, where one's tendency to not care about something that might be important, backfires spectacularly.
Another relevant example might be unresolved tensions in a relationship, between friends, partners or teammates. It is in situations such as these where we need to start to work on accepting the state of the reality through introspection and active discussion.
Thus, to stay sane in an increasingly insane world, perhaps we should just care a bit less about everything that doesn't matter as much, and give more focused attention to that which does.
__________
"Everything worthwhile in life is won through surmounting the associated negative experience. Any attempt to escape the negative, to avoid it or quash it or silence it, only backfires. The avoidance of suffering is a form of suffering. The avoidance of struggle is a struggle. The denial of failure is a failure. Hiding what is shameful is itself a form of shame."
- Mark Manson
__________
__________
"Everything worthwhile in life is won through surmounting the associated negative experience. Any attempt to escape the negative, to avoid it or quash it or silence it, only backfires. The avoidance of suffering is a form of suffering. The avoidance of struggle is a struggle. The denial of failure is a failure. Hiding what is shameful is itself a form of shame."
- Mark Manson
__________
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