On forgiveness

Content Advisory: This piece does NOT discuss religious themes.

_

forgive
/fəˈɡɪv/
verb 
stop feeling angry or resentful towards (someone) for an offence, flaw, or mistake.

_

We all know people whom we hate - and people whom we have offended (if you don't know of any such people, then either you're indeed truly benevolent, or simply, YTA but haven't thought hard enough/are too dense to figure).

Some of these people, we regret having ever offended or crossed the line with, but the relationship at present seems beyond repair. Similarly, some of these people regret having ever offended or crossed the line with us, but the relationship at present seems to them to be beyond repair.

The only way for a broken interpersonal relationship to be repaired is for both parties to, first and foremost, be willing to mend relations. Only then can resolution and forgiveness be of any value in consideration to this discussion.

In modern casual lexicon, the meaning of forgiveness seems to have been misconstrued or forgotten, where one might use the word to simply refer to "getting over" an event that one wishes to no longer talk about. However, I posit that true forgiveness has to run deeper than that.

What does it mean to forgive someone? 

Forgiveness is defined as the act of stopping feeling angry or resentful toward someone, for an or numerous offences, flaws or mistakes that they have made, where resentment refers to the feeling of bitter indignation at having been unfairly treated. 

The process of forgiveness must thus entail dealing with 1) the issue, 2) the "someone" and 3) the self.

1) The Issue

One can only start to forgive someone if one has come to terms and accepted the consequences of the undesirable action that had been undertaken that had led to the feelings of resentment in the first place. Forgiveness would remain a pipe dream if one is still lamenting the effects that the occurrence of the mistake or offence has had, for one cannot start to forgive an offender if one has not completely internalised the reality of the committed offence. To "bury the hatchet" without acknowledging that the hatchet exists is merely to cover it up with lies, deceit and denial.

Perhaps the key in getting over the fallout of the mistake is not only in recovering from the aftermath, but also understanding the circumstances that might have led to the mistake or offence being made in the first place.

2) The Other Person

Starting to understand the circumstances in which the mistake was made in the first place will invariably lead to the discussion of the role of the offender in committing the mistake in the first place.

It would be instinctive to conclude that the person who had done the bad deed must indeed be a bad person. However, not only is this a grossly hasty generalisation, but also a highly selfish and self-centered perspective to offer.

Under the same circumstances, different persons will invariably consider different factors that could lead to different decisions being made in the moment. This is because each person has their own background and value systems, influenced by their upbringing and knowledge and experience that they are privy to in that stage of their life. Thus, it is important not only to consider the circumstances upon which the misdeed was undertook, but also the perspective that the other person might have held, colored by their past experience and systems of belief and morality.

However, because of the vast differences across different value systems, it may be possible that the offender in question does not even feel remorse for the transgressions that they had been party to.

Perhaps if the other person does not even take responsibility for the offense, then they are not "deserving" of forgiveness?

3) The Self

To contend with the idea that someone is not deserving of forgiveness is to acknowledge that we are not wholly benevolent, and might in actuality be withholding forgiveness to legitimize our suffering and pain that had resulted from the possibly traumatic occurrence. 

Having removed someone from the wrong that they had done, and trying to understand the perspectives and values that they might have had that had led to the unfortunate occurrences, we must face the greatest barrier to forgiveness that is our own possible unwillingness to do so. This might be because when we withhold forgiveness, we feel in power where the other person is denied our "permission" to have a second chance at extending interpersonal relations with us, even though they are removed from the people that they were before, especially if they have reflected upon and grown from the original incident in question.

Forgiveness accords freedom, not only to the other person in that both parties can start to rebuild the mutual relationship anew as changed persons, as opposed to upon the grudges of mistakes past - but also to ourselves. To forgive is to free ourselves and our feelings and thought from the preoccupation with the past wrongdoing and its continual association with the wrongdoer. 

However, just as how "ignorance is bliss", this newfound freedom elicits the consideration of another common saying: Forgive and forget. 

Must forgiveness always be followed by forgetting the mistakes of the past?

Not necessarily, probably not, but also yes.

Conclusion: Forgiving without forgetting, recovering without recalling

Forgiveness involves meeting the present with an open mind, free from the preconceived notions of the past. Forgiveness is not forgetting that the other person had done something wrong, but having personally completely recovered from it, and acknowledging the past and the effect that it has had on your growth as an individual. 

Forgiveness is seeing the person through a fresh lens, free from the residue of resentment and anger, and considerations of the wrongs that they had committed. It suggests moving on completely and not bringing up these past wrongs against them in possible future altercations.

Only after having truly forgiven someone can we move our focus away from the turmoil of the past, to the present and future of rebuilding a mutually valuable interpersonal relationship, upon the appreciation of the understanding that we have become different, possibly better people who are willing to give ourselves another chance completely independent from the last.