Is it okay to be not okay?

On the life cycle of interpersonal relationships with asymmetrical emotional needs, briefly

_

It would be reductive to launch into a discussion about the "okayness" of not being okay without first considering what makes something "okay". Is it necessarily the converse of that which makes something "not okay"? 

"Okayness" is not a concrete standard with a universal criteria - it is a value judgement that differs among different people that shapes the general consensus of the "okayness" of the action in question. Hence, two levels of abstraction must be considered - "personal okayness" and "common okayness".

With the increasing awareness of the importance of the maintenance of mental and emotional health, the current consensus is that it is okay to not feel okay, because everyone sometimes feels this way, and that it is acceptable to reach out and seek help and/or mental-emotional support from other people.

This is an uplifting and heartening trend because the range of mental-emotional distress that one might face covers a wide spectrum from the minute to the medically diagnosable, and it is difficult to gauge where along this spectrum one might fall on, for a subjectively emotionally insurmountable problem might in actuality not be as serious and vice versa. Thus, to ensure that we as a generally gracious society do not inadvertently deny those in need of support the help that they require, the consensus is calibrated to capture everyone along this spectrum, resulting in the pervasiveness of the platitude "it's okay to not be okay".

However, since distinct individuals have differing levels of emotional resilience and personal boundaries, it might not always be okay ("personal okayness") to confide in someone else when one is not okay, because the person might not have sufficient emotional capacity to support the magnitude of the other's confidence. Thus, whilst it is okay to not feel okay, imposing this on another person in an unwelcome manner constitutes borderline unacceptable behaviour.

There are some common societally acceptable behaviours. However again, different people have different standards on what constitutes acceptable behaviour. 

We invariably enter any interpersonal interaction with some expectations of the other person's behaviour, even if we are not aware of them. The green lines in the figure below depict the typical band of acceptable behaviour which one would expect from another in any interpersonal relationship. It is of constant gradient and passing through the origin because one would expect that the closeness of two persons in a relationship can only and will develop proportional to increasing interaction and time since introduction.

Different people have bands of varying widths, representing the varying tolerances that different people have for forward behaviour or underwhelming response. Where an interlocutor's behavior exits and deviates from the accepted band (as in the orange and red lines above), the person will leave the conversation or end the provisional friendship. For example, suppose you enter a new conversation with the expectation of platonic friendship, but are hit on incessantly with crude references to mature themes. Because such behavior deviates from your expected band of closeness, you exit the conversation swiftly. 

In general, we all tend to act within the bounds of our own band of expected behaviour.

As with every interpersonal interaction, confiding in someone else that one is not okay itself constitutes an interaction that will invariably be judged by that person against his/her personal band of expected behaviour.

However, in the first place, why might we feel inclined to confide in another person?

We all have different cognitive, behavioural and emotional ("CBE") needs. Where we cannot fulfill these needs on our own, we might start to look outward from ourselves into other people who might be able to cater to these needs. For example, if you overthink (cognitive), are a bit clingy (behavioural) and value the reciprocation of vulnerability (emotional), you would tend to seek friends or confide in who can appreciate and offer the same. Thus, primary friends, very close friends or partners in a healthy romantic relationship also tend to share similar CBE needs.

Where the two persons in a 1-1 interpersonal relationship have CBE needs that are mismatched, it might not be okay to share when one is not okay. Excessively doing so could either lead to the end of the provisional friendship, or a chaotic recalibration of individual behaviours that will invariably lead both parties to independently withdraw from the friendship, until a new equilibrium is achieved.

The figure below illustrates the asymmetry in emotional needs between two persons represented by the orange and blue lines, where that of the orange line has greater emotional needs. The band of expected behavior below is referencing the person represented by the blue line, for the limiting factor in the development of a relationship is the willingness of the less willing party.

The time axis is not to scale, so each section of the graph can span from days to years.

Recall from the previous model that the green lines depict the typical band of acceptable behaviour which one would expect, and deviation from this band of expectation ("BOE") is unwelcome and might lead to the conclusion of the friendship. 

Orange starts with a lower-than-typical (Blue) level of exhibited closeness because he has to briefly assess if Blue is trustworthy and authentic. He does this by seeing the response that Blue has to his confidence, and the extent of reciprocation of vulnerability. The sharing of not feeling okay and other emotional problems at this stage of the relationship is acceptable to both parties, and falls entirely within the BOE. Persons with matching magnitudes of CBE needs will thus continue to stay within the BOE, becoming closer friends. They mutually confide once in a while, remaining entirely within the green zone, where it is okay to be not okay.

However, because of the asymmetric emotional needs in this relationship where Orange personally requires more engagement than Blue, he starts to make himself more vulnerable with Blue with increasing frequency. Blue, whose emotional needs are not as much, try to match Orange's increased sharing, represented by the lesser extent of increase in the blue graph than the orange graph in the red zone. Blue is now only tolerating Orange's sharing, in the interest of remaining humanly benevolent.

Thus, while it might be "commonly okay" to not be okay, it is not "personally okay" to Blue for Orange to share his problems with her.

Soon, Orange says something more or once again that serves as the final straw for Blue - enough is enough and too much can no longer be. Blue either silently or abruptly withdraws by ignoring or giving lackluster responses, or explicitly says something to express this to Orange. The Blue graph dips precipitously, until it re-enters her BOE. 

Orange is taken aback, and takes a while to internalise this sudden development, followed by his prompt matched recalibration, represented by the dip into the BOE that only happens after Blue's.

The relationship is in intensive care as both persons walk on paper thin ice with each other, until one invariably steps out of line and Blue's line plummets, followed closely by Orange's. The provisional friendship is effectively over.

However, this can be circumvented if both persons still remain emotionally invested in the relationship and can appreciate the company of the other person. The mutual appreciation of the value that keeping each other around brings can catalyse the recovery and maintenance of the friendship, delaying its expiration for as long as they continue respecting each other, resulting in the net best outcome for both.

From my observations of numerous personal relationships, the above described scenario seems to be the aggregate "life cycle" of interpersonal relationships where two people have asymmetrical emotional needs.

However, whilst it is most unfortunate to lose close friends to the ironic cause of being too close, upon reflection and introspection could one emerge more emotionally independent and resilient from the experience than before. 

The pink horizontal lines measured by the vertical axis on the right depict the average emotional resilience of someone seeking emotional support through the life cycle of a personal relationship. Upon getting closer to the other person, her emotional resilience would increase as just knowing that support and someone to confide in is just a text away is sometimes enough to feel better. Thus, after having subconsciously come to expect friendship from the other person, possibly through the failure of active gratitude, it follows that her emotional independence will plummet to be the lowest on the graph as a key pillar of support has now withdrawn.

Realising that getting to know the other person was a privilege and not a granted right, she starts to appreciate the forthcomingness of the other individual, albeit too late. By the end of the relationship, she would have emerged more emotionally stable than before, having learnt from the other person, even if they are no longer there to extend support.

The cycle invariably repeats, albeit to a different scale of time, when we start to meet and get to know someone new.

It is imperative to realise that whilst the relationship might have ended, however catastrophically, that no one is at fault. It is merely a case of a gross mismatch and failure to reconcile wildly differing emotional needs. In the end, perhaps it is best that some friendships are relegated to our past, for the lessons from these previous relationships when internalised can still help us to become better than we were before. 

The discussion of "okayness" is essentially a deliberation of the human sharing of emotional vulnerability, and our inherent desire to connect with persons who share and can fulfill similar cognitive, behavioural and emotional needs as us. We all care about different people to different extents, so appreciate those that keep you around, keep looking for who would keep you forever, and treasure them when you do find, for such friends truly are few and far between.

Everything will be okay, and in the end, it is okay to be not okay - just perhaps remember to only express it commensurately to the right people in your life.