Previously as part of year-end reflections 2022, I wrote that the biggest lesson that I've taken away from the past year is in understanding the importance of building the capacity to unapologetically lean into a sense of entitlement to be yourself, for you are the best at being you, but also that you can always be better.
Some readers have told me that this is a very convoluted sentence, but fielding alternatives I find leave out much nuance that I wish to convey, beyond "just be yourself"— which only represents one part of the realisation; This paragraph-long sentence seeks to communicate the recognition that it is essential to learn how to develop the confidence in your identity and appreciation for your idiosyncrasies, amid criticism by those who may seek to undermine your value— but to be mindful in withholding the arrogance that you must be right, for "best" is only so when measured against a criteria, thus to remain radically open-minded in considering your potential for personal growth and character development.
In place of new year resolutions, I use yearly themes. When trying to build yourself into a better version of yourself, exact data points matter less than the trendline; If the trend is going in the right direction, then so are you. Just moving a trend from negative to positive is hard enough, without defining falling short of a goal as failure; even decelerating the negative is a positive.
Where you will be in a year's time is the culmination of many small decisions that you make throughout the year, and I've thought that the use of a theme to guide decision-making would be more productive than singly-identified goals for the whole year, though both are not mutually exclusive. As you gain experience and learn lessons, your interpretation of the theme may change, but I believe that that doesn't take away from the value of having a theme to gently guide you as you navigate the coming year.
I'd also designated last year as the Year of Novelty, which had seen me expand the scope of trying new things. In accepting new responsibilities and starting new projects, I've decided 2023 to be the Year of Action to make good and see these thrilling developments to fruition.
In this Year of Action, I've already seen my first serendipitous reinterpretation of this theme. Optically, this theme is about a year of commitment and resolve, in following through with some new things after only first trying them. However, now I also begin to realise and learn, especially in the context of leadership, co-working, people empowerment, and empathy, that sometimes it may be better to do nothing than anything at all. "Don't just do something— stand there".
I'd previously hypothesised that one of the best places to work and learn must be one of those new-age mental-health first organisations or teams, for surely they must champion radical inclusion and psychological safety as the "subject matter experts" in this field of dynamic social relationships. I'm deeply disappointed and frustrated because this assumption turns out to be wrong.
I posit that I had failed to consider that there are no "subject-matter experts" in this so-new field— and just like the problem of green-washing, good optics may be pursued at the expense of a real culture of psychological safety— which contextualised, results in a surprising amount of "Toxic Positivity". Just like your "I'm a very open-minded person" closed-minded colleague or boss who must declare that they are so because they are clearly not, sometimes I feel like it's harder to talk to those who immerse themselves in social work, if they become sanctimonious in their conviction that their breadth and depth of experience must mean that they are incapable of showing insufficient empathy, and thus must be experts in mentoring and positive engagement. Sometimes we need to be able to say things to each other, but we must realise that we cannot say things as it is— we can only see things as we are. Sure, this is only my observation, and it is likely the case that such environments are perfect for their like-minded individuals who thrive in extroverted small talk, conversational instruction, emojis, and team ego boosters.
It is thus simultaneously frustrating and poetic to me, that I have begun to experience through different contexts, attacks on my identity and character, in being implicitly faulted for having "left-brain" task-orientation and introverted tendencies— as if to test the strength of my internalisation of the lesson of leaning into the sense of entitlement to be myself, and challenge my interpretation of it. I know that "you can't please everyone", but I still think to some extent that we have the social responsibility to not be unpalatable to those with whom we co-work. Like a rat knawing away incessantly at the keep of my mind palace, the gradual and cumulative effects of recurring conflicts finally breached my mental walls of psychological safety in an overwhelming wave of unresolved and unrationalised emotion to drown in. It had gotten so bad this past week— coupled with my bad habits of fixation in catastrophisation and difficulties at the workplace, to see myself relapse into passive suicidal ideation, and counting spoons. I hate it and I hate myself for allowing this to happen, and mood-congruent spiraling cognition can be dreadful to manage. And I think I deserve to hate— or at least dislike, a bit on other people too, just as they do to me.
Of course, I didn't tell anyone this; I don't seek to play Misery Olympics, and I'd like to think that amidst the struggle in finding energy to get up, shower, and oh having to meal plan and meal prep— that I'm now "mature", "experienced", and "mindful" enough to be aware that this is "just" a manifestation of the desire to escape difficult situations, and that if it comes to it, that I may sooner leave than not to live. Sure I may be walking away from valuable opportunities that others may pine for, but different people want different things and are most suitable in different environments that suit their different needs; To balance the pursuit of personal development with identifying when enough is enough for you, and recognising that the "opportunity cost" of potential success does not outweigh your withdrawal from its participation, can be a positive sign of self-awareness and prudent energy management.
In this short span of time, among other observations, I have seen my texting style evolve to accommodate the novel social work space. This is alarming and astounding to me, because it is starting to cause problems by spilling over into my daily work. Sure, this exercise is also in redefining what it means to make best better, but I can't help but feel that to a large extent, I am being robbed of my "identity" to force-fit into the mold of a typical character in the social work paradigm— which also baffles me as completely antithetical to the industry notion of a strength-based approach to youth mentoring.
I surmise that as with many things, this is a demonstration of confirmation and survivorship bias, because I can only observe within the system the types of characters that remain and thrive in this industry, which thus perpetuates its practices. Empathy goes both ways, and it is my hope that we may both dispel the notion of zero-sum thinking, and remain radically open-minded that there may always be something new and valuable to learn from one another. And maybe personally I need to learn how to care less about anything, instead of internalising the negative externalities of others' ambivalence.
I still have much to learn. But this piece serves to affirm and reassure me that I am not a/the problem; you and me are just not the same— and more importantly, that that's okay. And I'm doing okay.
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